A Reflection From A Friend
Hello, my name is Lotus Mary Alexandra Lee Morgan and I am an addict. I am also a buddhist yogi. Here is some radical honesty about the intersection of my yoga practice and my recovery.
The yoga came first and the recovery came later. I officially wanted to look at yoga more closely about six years ago. I was accepted into the Living Yoga Training program at Satchidananda Ashram-Yogaville in August 2014. With that came a vow to live according to the yamas and niyamas (basic yogic codes of conduct), to maintain a vegetarian diet and to not engage in mind altering substances for one month. Hatha (asana, postures) and meditation requirements were also in place.
I extended my stay after the month flew by because I felt as though I was only just beginning to dip my toe into truly immersing myself into the practice. I ended up staying for a year. Along with a traditional understanding of yoga, I cultivated a practice, meaningful bonds, memorable moments, a fresh perspective, a new mode to operate from, a new devotion. All the while, the entire time I lived in Yogaville, I was sneaking to my car any moment that I could to get high. If any Yogaville community members or clergy are reading this, please consider this a confession. And an apology.
Basically, I was high from the ages of 19-29. I wanted to stop. I tried to stop multiple times. I attempted moderation, regulation and boundaries. All of my efforts resulted in bingeing.
I made excuses. I lied, both to myself and to others. I stole. I made reckless decisions that could’ve impacted my life negatively. I was stuck in the realm of hungry ghosts and attached to a sensation I intensely romanticized. I could never get high enough. Getting high was always on my mind, always the goal.
Eventually, at the cusp of thirty years old, I arrived at a place where I was ready to change my behavior and do something different. The road was rocky with confusion, intense emotional discomfort and more than one relapse. My daily and social life looked and felt strange. Some of my “friends” receded and disappeared. I cried a lot. I felt lost, in the dark and disoriented. I was scared and I didn’t like being sober. But, with the support of my partner and the help of a 12-step program, I found clarity and freedom.
The road of recovery is different every day. The two and a half years that I have been sober have been filled with all kinds of days and a lot of vulnerability. The first year and a half I was inadvertently and unconsciously eager to be okay. I was anxious to be normal, whatever that means. I wanted to blend in like nothing ever happened. I wanted to know who I was. I wanted to be this high-functioning person who reads and meditates daily and cooks every meal from scratch and is always pleasant and is always on time and is this ultra flexible yogi like my Yogaville friends who inspire me so much. Ha! (I am literally laughing right now.)
Even to this day I struggle to be in my body. Sometimes my energy is low. Most of the time I am not motivated to do what I know is holistically nourishing. I am still adjusting. I am still learning how to be present. Fulfilling basic needs and responsibilities are huge achievements for me, let alone getting to my mat.
But, listen to this: getting to my mat is now my focus. Meditation is now my goal! That, to me, is true sobriety. That is the juicy intersection of yoga and recovery. Maybe my meditation is inconsistent. Perhaps I don’t get to my mat for 9-21 days and won’t get into padmasana anytime soon, or ever. Maybe my pranayama is lacking. Maybe I could be reading the sutras more. Maybe my ahimsa practice toward myself could greatly improve. Maybe chanting more would help. Maybe I don’t feel like serving others or communing with sangha because I feel overwhelmed. Maybe when you say “love and light” I feel a little annoyed sometimes.
Yoga is always on my mind and always the goal. To me, that is everything.
If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction I invite you to seek help immediately. Call a relative or a friend. There are many, many resources. Here are a few that are specifically for Queer People of Color in recovery:
https://triangleclub.org/
@recoveryfortherevolution
@la_conextion
I love building community, feel free to connect with me on instagram @lotuslovemonster (personal) and @pedi_preistess_hc, I’m Holy Chic’s newest nail artist!
I would like to thank Project Yoga Richmond for supporting my home practice during this weird and trying time. You are an immense blessing to our community. Bless you all.